I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
