As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
