remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
two words: eviction party
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
