I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
