how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
