Cold hands, warm shart.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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