decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize