I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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