so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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