Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
