dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Randomize
