he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
You are the jesus of drinking
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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