Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
