Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
