Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
