Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
