I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
