remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
