I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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