she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
