I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Dicks are not precious.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Randomize
