My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
