It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
