Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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