A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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