Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
