Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
