I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
The beer is more important than you right now.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
