I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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