the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
