i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
