overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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