laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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