Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
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