You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
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