It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
