I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
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