If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
