He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
