yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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