Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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