just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
