I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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