I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
