Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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