I didn't shave. On purpose
I cut my penus on the lid.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
