Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Randomize
