We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
