When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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