Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
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