All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
