I bet he comes in French.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
