apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
