I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
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