the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
