U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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